Sunday, April 22, 2007

My National Poetry Month Project: Cutting the Draft

*poof!*

4 Comments:

Blogger Miguel Murphy said...

I see three sections. .. do you even want feedback? well, in either case great stuff! something to walk around with. . .

3:14 PM  
Blogger greg rappleye said...

Miguel:

Yes--Feedback is good.

I could see three sections.

This is by no means finished.

Thanks!

I hope all is well.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Robert said...

Wow, what a poem! I am really in awe, Greg. But ... you took out so much stuff between the two drafts! I think you went too far! You took out those amazing lines about the dogs and "the faces of the blind taste good." You took out the chicken shacks and the video stores and the semi and Orpheus and the rhododendrons and ... OK, some people might say that I go too far in my own poems and include too much, but I really loved some of that stuff in the earlier draft--not that it's not still a great poem. Some of the revisions are great too, e.g. "star-wild" to "star-smeared." I wasn't sure, though, if you really meant to change "cursing" the sea bed to "crossing" it. "Cursing" seemed to make more sense (for the Egyptians). In any case, those images of what the army might have seen in the parted sea are spectacular.

2:52 PM  
Blogger greg rappleye said...

Robert:


Yes, I think you are right. I went back and read the earllier draft and am reposting a re-built model.

I never did mean to write "cursing the miraculous sea bed" --in fact, I didn't know I had until you pointed it out.

You're right though, "cursing" is a lot better.

Thanks!

6:21 AM  

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